There
have been so many different things going on lately for us between our jobs, our
families, our relationship…I could go on and on. I have had so many thoughts
going through my head but I haven’t been able to collect them long enough to
write about. The other day I finally realized that they all come down to one
thing: doubt.
I
have been so overwhelmed with numerous circumstances in our life the last few
weeks, none of them within my control which made it all the more frustrating.
My husband was away for about a month just to come home and find out that he
would possibly have to leave again for 3 months! Needless to say I completely
lost it. My anxiety shot through the roof as I contemplated what I would do
alone until November. I screamed. I cried. I got angry.
When
my husband started to have issues at work and we weren’t sure what would
happen. I screamed. I cried. I got angry.
When
I made the decision to drive to Louisiana by myself I became extremely anxious.
I screamed. I cried. I got angry.
When
I found out that someone close to me was expecting. I screamed. I cried. I got
angry.
When
I got really ill in December and still have to continue to fight. I screamed. I
cried. I got angry.
Do
you see a pattern here?
I
did everything I could within MY OWN CONTROL that I didn’t give it the One who
does have control; I didn’t give it to God. I have never felt so helpless in my
whole life but I was too stubborn to let anyone help me including my Lord and
Savior.
But
you want to know what happened when I did let Him help me? He took care of it!
My husband doesn’t have to leave, the issues are working themselves out at work,
I made it safely to Louisiana, I’ve stopped treatment with no major side
effects and He gave me peace that passes all understanding (but don’t get me
wrong I still get my bad days) but I now know that I don’t have to worry about
tomorrow; I’m not there yet and God is. Even today with so many things up in
the air, so many unknowns about what will happen in the coming months I have
peace.
God
has been testing us with each trial to see if we would fully rely on Him, if we
would trust Him like we say we do. Maybe we keep getting these trials because
we keep failing. I am not sure if I am going to ace this current test but I
know I not going to get overwhelmed or anxious. I have no control. I have no
power. I cannot influence what will happen. All I can do is pray and trust that
God will work it out like He has time and time again. I’m just trying to set
aside my doubt so I can finally make the grade.
<3
JT
