I’m afraid of remembering
because of the pain it will bring, but I think I am most afraid of forgetting.
I don’t want to forget our first child though his or her life lasted mere
weeks. I don’t want to forget the love I have for someone I never met, never
held and only saw after death. Though it hurts me to my core, I don’t want to
forget. January 13th will always be special to me and yet in the
back of my mind I will always wonder. To be honest I have been dreading that
day for a long time now. On Thursday I looked at the calendar marked with big
letters ‘Jellybean’s birthday.’ In my mind I couldn’t believe it was so close
and for a moment I questioned whether I would have remembered or not, but in my
heart I knew when it was. The thing about grief is that you never know when it
will hit you or even why. The tears will just start to flow and suddenly you
have to focus on breathing. I think that is the worst part, not knowing when it
will happen. I never expected to be standing in the card aisle at Wal-Mart
struggling to see through what seemed like an ocean of water, trying to focus
on words that no longer made sense and doing everything to just keep myself
from collapsing. That is the other thing about grief everyone grieves differently.
For my husband he wanted to honor our angel baby by buying a birthday card. But
just the sight of all the happy birthday wishes and cards addressed to someone
special made me want to vomit. Turns out there aren’t cards for this kind of
situation, probably because there aren’t any words. A day that should have
brought so much joy now brings sorrow and empty arms. If that isn’t enough
emotion, I carry so much guilt on top of it.
Guilt for possibly coming
off as ungrateful for the child I do have with me…
Guilt for having another
baby so quickly after the loss…
Guilt that one child may
seem more important than the other…
I think people assume that
you are ‘over it’ just because you are pregnant with a second baby. We are so
incredibly thankful for Jasmine, she is such a precious gift from God but that
doesn’t mean we have forgotten about our Jellybean. I truly believe each child
is unique from conception in their personality and looks so I mourn the loss of
him or her as an individual.
But God makes no mistakes
and the number of days we have on this earth were determined long before we
were ever formed whether that equal 6 weeks or 90 years; and that magic number
is based on how long until our purpose is finally fulfilled. Jasmine wouldn’t
be here had Jellybean not gone to be with the Lord, his/her purpose is complete
while Jasmine’s is still here with us for reasons I may never fully understand.
All I know is that I am the proud mother of two miracles: one angel in Heaven and
one princess still growing inside me. I may not know what to expect each
January 13th but I know I won’t forget. Happy birthday Jellybean! Mommy
and daddy will always love you.
<3 JT
