This morning I was able to
spend some much needed quiet time in the Word. I have struggled lately with
being able to silence my mind long enough to hear what the Lord has so
desperately been trying to tell me, but today He grabbed my heart and held it
close. He revealed a lot to me about suffering and purpose.
The month of
July was challenging to say the least. The physical and emotional toll it took
on me was more than draining and I often found myself drowning in my own
suffering. I was paralyzed by fear and discouragement. It felt like every time I
took a step forward I was always pushed backwards down a staircase. The vomiting
was debilitating, the passing out was terrifying, the pump was painful, and my
spirit was crushed. I didn’t understand why such a beautiful journey to
creating life had to be such a nightmare, to be honest I still don’t fully understand
sometimes. I tried so hard to be strong, often hiding my real feelings through
humor, but the truth is I barely could get out of bed in the morning without
shedding tears. Every new day was almost a painful reminder that this wasn’t
just a bad dream but my current reality. This sadness soon turned into anger as
I battled to make sense of why I had to be the one to go through this, why I
had to be the one to walk the hard road. I am constantly surrounded by women
experiencing all the joys of pregnancy. They feel great, they love every
minute, and their bodies carry their babies with such ease. What was wrong with
me? What did I do to deserve this? Then the Lord led me to John chapter 9: As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”
After saying this,
he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man’s
eyes.
“Go,” he told him, “wash in the Pool of Siloam.” So the man went and washed,
and came home seeing.
If this man had not endured the suffering of blindness the Lord wouldn’t have been able to use him to perform His miracle and reveal Himself to others. I’m sure this man spent a lot of time questioning why he had been born this way and asking why he deserved this ‘punishment.’ Yet his suffering had a purpose and so does mine. In this earthy life it can be easy to feel entitled to living a good life because society tells us we can do anything we set our minds to, we determine the life we have and good things come to those who work hard. But in reality we don’t deserve anything in this life; we had to be redeemed from our own sins through God’s sacrifice of His only Son. Everything on Earth is temporary. We should be striving for eternal gifts. I was humbled when I finally realized that I am merely a vessel for the Lord’s purpose even if it means suffering.
Today the book of Romans chapter 8 encouraged me in exactly this thought:
18“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.”
And later in the chapter:
28”And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”
<3 JT
