'I'm Not the Same Me'

“I remember the moment, I remember the pain. I was only a girl but I grew up that day. Tears were falling, I know you saw me. Hidin’ there in my bedroom, so alone, I was doing my best trying to be strong. No one to turn to, that’s when I met You.”

~ ‘All This Time’ by Britt Nicole

The first time I heard this song I was in tears. I was stopped at the four-way down the road from our home when I paused to turn up the volume and allowed the words to sink in. It was more than a catchy tune, but it was as if the words were speaking to my soul; a deep part I had not really connected with in a while. The singer could have easily been singing about me, about my story.

I chose to publically share my testimony on social media in 2013 after much hesitation and ultimately much persuasion {or rather probing} by God. My testimony can be found here. But there is so much more to my story. It is no secret that I gave my life {fully} to Christ and HIS will in 2009, yet this decision continues to impact my life now every single day.

Thanks to social media, in positive and negative ways, I’ve been able to reconnect with people from my ‘lost’ years {the years where I hid and ran from God}. There is no greater feeling than hearing from others how different I am from then. I’ve heard this statement in both positive and negative lights. Sometimes I have to hear how I’m not fun anymore because I don’t party, drink, or go clubbing……sometimes I hear how much more compassion and kindness I have. Though these statements vary greatly in tone, both condescending and encouraging, I consider them both to be extraordinary compliments. I’m thankful I don’t make the reckless choices I once found to be fun and exciting. I’m thankful Christ is able to show HIS love THROUGH me.

The Bible says in 1 Corinthians Chapter 15, Verse 10:

‘But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them--yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me.’

 It is God who changed me, not me. When I surrendered my life to Him I allowed His love to work in me and through me. By accepting His grace and mercy I freed myself from all the wrong things I had done, I released myself from the shame and guilt.

There are times I still feel the pain from the choices I made and mostly the people I hurt, then I see the changes He made in me in action and I am in awe.

Let’s rewind 7 years ago….let me introduce you to myself:

I’m 17 years old.
I find enjoyment in drinking excessive amounts of alcohol to remove myself from reality.
On a Friday or Saturday night I can be found downtown in the clubs.

I search for acceptance from my peers, and love from the attention I receive from men.

I use my body to gain ‘love’ from the opposite sex.
I sleep around.

I put myself in dangerous situations from accepting rides from drunk drivers to staying out late and mixing alcohol with prescription meds.

I smile but I’m not happy.

I’m driven but I’m lost.

I go to church but shut out God.
I know I’m slipping but frankly I don’t care.

It is quite the different picture from today right?

This past Friday my husband and I had the incredible privilege to attend the Garth Brooks concert. {side note: years prior you’d be more likely to find me at a Jay-Z concert}
As I looked out at the sea of people drinking, letting the alcohol free them from any inhibitions, I found myself feeling disgusted.

Don’t get me wrong I do not look down on those who drink and am not opposed to the occasional drink with dinner, but to see others acting just like I use to I couldn’t help feeling appalled. To find alcohol repulsing was a shocking feeling to me knowing the ‘me’ from 7 years ago. This was more than a change in choices, it is a change in heart, it’s God.

Driving in the car I surf the stations, coming across one of my previous ‘go to’ channels….I’m completely overwhelmed. The fast pace, the language, the derogatory lyrics...something I once lived for is now revolting.

Hearing stories of young girls giving themselves up to multiple men in the hopes of feeling loved breaks my heart; I see myself in them, I know the heartache they are setting themselves up for. I long to embrace them yearning to saving them, begging them to stay pure though I did not.

Looking back through various pictures I hardly recognize myself. My eyes seem empty, my smile concealing deep pain. It feels like another life, and yet it was. My life prior to Christ looks so different.

I try to share my love for Christ and the gift of Salvation with everyone I can, not because I want to ‘thump my Bible’ or judge the decisions of others, I share because I see how He can change. How He restores. How He loves. I see it every day in my life.

To no surprise I encounter a lot of pushback and doubt, but “I’m not the same me and that’s all the proof I need.”

How could He change your life?

<3 JT

Check out Britt Nicole’s song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmTGLdSW5Sw