Another perspective on Mother's Day

As we all know the 2nd Sunday of May is reserved as a day to celebrate our mothers. Don't get me wrong I  thoroughly enjoy spoiling my mom, but this year is a bit tough. It is difficult to be childless on the one day that is designed for those that do have children.

For my womb is empty...

It has never known the miracle of holding a life.
It has never nurtured the growth of a developing baby,.
It has never felt a kick from deep inside.
It has never heard a second heartbeat from within.

I don't know what it is like to bring new life into the world.
I don't know what it is like to look into your child's eye and see a part of yourself.
I don't know what it is like to feel the intense love a mother has for her child.

No I don't know such things....

But I know the sting of pain when asked, "Do you have kids?"
I know the heartache of wanting something so badly.
I know the sorrow of reading a negative test.
I know the disappointment of a certain monthly 'gift'.
I know the feeling of your heart dropping when you hear the news of another's pregnancy.

Yes I am all too familiar with these things.

It is a hard day for some of us. It doesn't mean that we can't celebrate with our friends and family, but in the silence we are reminded that we are childless. Some of us are for the moment and others for life.

My plea on this Mother's Day is not of pity but of gratefulness. Hold your children tightly, praise the Lord for choosing you to be their mother and most importantly appreciate the mother you were given to.

Happy Mother's Day!

<3 JT

The Process of Healing

It has almost been 23 weeks since this journey started, 159 days to be exact. I'd be lying if I said that this wasn't the hardest six months of my life. I've felt pain I never could have imagined, experienced sorrow I never thought possible and witnessed love I never knew existed.

I have lived, learned, lost and loved....and though it has been two months since the primary infection has cleared, I have entered into a new stage of this journey: healing.

This is the phase where all the initial shock has worn off and everyone has stopped holding their breath, but I haven't.

I live in constant fear of it coming back. I continue to do regularly scheduled treatment and feel the side effects. I carry multiple bottles of medication just in case. But I don't talk about it anymore. I am afraid of how others will look at me, how they'll treat me. I have realized when you have an ongoing illness people don't know how to respond. There really is so many times you can hear the words "I'm sorry" and "that sucks" before you just learn not to mention it anymore.

There were many days I just wanted to shut the world out and hide under the covers, and honestly sometimes that is just what I did. I began to let the illness rule my life. When people would ask how I was feeling I'd merely respond, "I have good days and bad days." I was truthful but vague.

People that have not been through something like this can't understand that even though the infection has passed and healing has begun it still is a process. I met with my specialist last week and she fully expects it to take another six months before I am fully recovered. There are days that I experience a lot of pain, it is unexpected and can knock me right off my feet. I use to classify these as my 'bad days.'

But I'm tired of saying 'it is a bad day.' Just because I'm having pain does not mean the whole day is bad. I have recently started calling it a 'healing day.' I no longer let my healing interfere with my daily life. I make the effort to go out on dates with my husband, attend Army functions, go to work and laugh with friends. Since changing my attitude I have noticed that my 'healing days' are fewer and further between.

Four more months of treatment is what I left but that is nothing compared to how far we have come. And yes I mean we, I was not on this journey alone by any means. Throughout the last several months people have continually asked how I am coping, but nobody has ever once how my husband is handling everything.

He was my rock through all of this.
He loved me through every treatment...
Every hospital visit...
Every tearful day....
And every painful night.

I would not have made it to the point of healing if it wasn't for him. He had to stand by helplessly as I struggled to maintain the pain and question every aspect of this situation. Honestly I think this was harder on him than me. I saw how hard it was for him to leave for work knowing that I was home alone having a difficult time. He is my hero for all the times he cheered me up with ICEEs and hugs.

If I have learned nothing else it is that healing takes time, it takes patience. I am still fighting for the day when this all can be a distant memory. But until then it is just a process....

<3 JT

Hurting People

It was just another day relaxing at home after counseling at Hope, I was feeling especially emotional after the client I had just seen. I couldn't seem to keep her tears from flowing out of my own eyes. There are so many hurting people. How many times a day do we pass someone on the street who is just aching to have someone listen to them?

Honestly there was nothing particularily 'special' about her story. She is a typical Army wife simply trying to cope, aren't we all? What hit me so deeply today was her hunger for someone to care, someone to tell her she's beautiful, someone that will help her with her burdens....Today would be the first time I shared the Gospel with a client.

I wish I could say it came naturally. I wish I could say I was highly confident, but I wasn't.

I fumbled over my words at first. I even paused to have a silent argument with God:

Me: No God, not me, not now. I am not ready.
God: But she is.

Wow! You can't argue with God...

I opened my eyes to God and He opened my heart to hers. She was so engulfed by everything I was saying, she had never heard about salvation or how Jesus Christ died for us.

I let out a sign of relief once I had finished all I felt I needed to say. She sat silently, taking it all in. I wish I could say that I gained a sister in Christ in that moment, but I didn't.

Maybe she accepted His gift later that day or maybe she will next week; I may never know what came of our conversation that day. But I do know that my life is forever changed by that client. I realized what a broken world we live in and how often we ignore the hurting. There are so many people desperate who are looking for something more: they are looking to be held, loved, safe. Only God can provide such things. Who are we to keep His gift to ourselves?

<3 JT

Separation and Selfishness

It is only Tuesday and I am already over this week. The hubby has to be at the rifle range all week which means he leaves at 4am and doesn't get home until 5pm (if we are lucky.) Today I found myself sitting at work feeling sorry for myself. Poor me for having my husband away for more than 12 hours....

Such a selfish thought! At any given moment there are thousands of wives separated from their loved ones because of this war. You would have thought as the wife of a war veteran that I would be grateful for my husband coming home to me every night. It's funny how quickly you adapt after a deployment, how near-sighted you become.

I use to hate (yes hate!) while my husband was deployed, reading Facebook posts about women missing their significant other whether it was hours, days or weeks. "Suck it up!" "Put on your big girl panties!" "You have no idea what I'm going through..." Just a few choice thoughts I had at that time....But now here I am doing the same thing.

So this is me saying sorry for my selfish thoughts and pity party. To all the wives still waiting for your soldiers to come home, know that you are not alone and you too will have the homecoming you've dreamt about for months. Remember how strong you are, how brave you are to love a soldier and sign up for this life.

Tonight I am thankful for my husband coming home, for all the soldiers serving near and far, and for the families that support them. HOOAH!

<3 JT

For all my Civis

I quickly realized when I signed up for the Army (yes I joined the Army too, the day I signed our marriage certificate) that I would have to learn a whole new language. Seeing as most of my family and friends are not part of the military system (that makes you civis or civilians) you probably don't understand half of what I am saying so here is a cheat sheet for some of the most commonly used acronyms.

*PCS-permanent change of station, or in other  words we are moving
*ACU-Army combat uniform, the green camo you always see soldiers wearing
*PX-post exchange, it is the closest thing to Wal-Mart on post
*CONUS-continental United States
*CQ-charge of quarters, this is the duty a lot of wives dread because it means our husband will be on duty 24 hours in the soldier's barracks
*CO-commanding officer, usually one of our husband's bosses
*BAH-basic allowance for housing, money the Army pays us so we can pay our rent
*OPSEC-operational security, in other words 'loose lips sink ships'
*PT-physical training
*DOD-department of defense
*DFAS-department of finance and accounting system, who makes sure we get paid
*OCONUS-outside the continental United States
*RFO-request for orders, you can't move until you have your official orders this is the 1st step
*MOS-military occupational speciality, despite common belief all soldiers do not do the same job they are all highly trained in a certain area

There is also a certain way soldiers and even their spouses talk (I'm guilty!). They will often say "squared away" meaning we are good to go or "tracking" meaning I'm top of it. I don't know how many times I have told my husband something and received the response "roger" or "hooah" meaning I heard what you said. However, "hooah" can be used in a variety of ways and believe me if they can find a way to use it in a conversation they will.

Yes we are a strange breed of people....but hey it's a HOOAH life! ;)

<3 JT

The Fairy Tale

One of the first questions people seem to ask you when they first meet you in the Army is, "where are you from?" So when I respond Colorado and my husband says Oregon they kind of give us that look that says, "how the heck did you two meet?" Well that is an interesting story....

FunSizedShorty

First picture I saw of "orgncowboy"

It was August 2009. I had recently quit my job as a waitress and started as a secretary for my church. It was a nice change of pace and gave me a lot of free time on the internet since I didn't have internet at home (yes I was living in the stone age.) One day as I spun around in my office chair killing time before I could go home I got a crazy thought, I googled Christian dating websites. Christianforfreedating.com popped up. In all honesty, I was sick and tired of the guys I had been meeting recently so I thought why not give this a try. I made an account and started browsing. I had a few guys message me here and there but nothing too serious. Then on August 7th, I came across a profile that would change my life forever. His name was Josh, he was a U.S soldier stationed at Ft. Sill in Oklahoma (I wasn't crazy about the fact that he was in another state but hey the guy was cute!) We started chatting back and fourth until I realized that it was time for me to head home. I didn't want to cut off communication with him because I knew I wouldn't be able to talk to him until Monday, it was Friday and I didn't have internet at home. So without thinking I gave him my number! A few hours later I got a text from orgncowboy (that was his screen name, I was funsizedshorty). After weeks of phone calls, Skype dates, and text messages we decided it was time to meet in person.

The day we met

On September 4th, 2009 I met my soldier in person for the first time. He was everything I thought he'd be and more: tall, handsome beyond words, and sweeter than sugar. Everything just came so natural to us. It was in that moment that I truly became a believer in love at first sight. My mother would even later admit that we are the reason she too believes in it. Perfect love story right? Not quite...Josh was leaving that November for a year tour in South Korea. But we had our minds made up, we were going to make this work. Over the next few months we flew back and fourth between our two places before we had to say 'see ya later' in November. It would be 8 months before I saw him again.

Fast forward.....

After 8 months apart...

It is June 27th, 2010 and Josh's plane has just landed! I don't think I've ever been so emotional to see someone. That night at our special park where we stood in Novmeber to exchange promise rings, he got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. We were in heaven for those next two weeks he was in the states. We agreed that we would get married the summer of 2012, well as the Army would have it, our plans drastically changed.

During those two weeks on RnR Josh received an email that he would be stationed at Ft. Hood and deploying to Iraq for a year tour. I was heartbroken. I knew this was a possibility but this made the reality of war so much closer to home. In September we decided that we needed to get married before he deployed.

Josh came home from Korea in mid November 2010 and we tied the knot November 27th, 2010 (on his birthday!). We made those next few months really count before he left in May 2011. Deployment was something I never had experienced and has been one of the hardest things I have ever done even to this day. Luckily his tour was cut in half and he was home on our first wedding anniversay.

Homecoming Ceremony

Whew....what a ride it has been this far and has brought us to where we are today as I write this. It may not be the textbook fairy tale, but it is my fairy tale.

<3 JT