"I am new"

My Testimony

“Now I won’t deny the worst you could say about me. But I’m not defined by mistakes that I’ve made because God says of me I am not who I was, I am being remade, I am new. I am new.”

~’I Am New’ by Jason Gray

As always I share on my blog as I am led by the Lord and tonight I am finally sitting down to write out what He has been urging me to share for years: my testimony. I would like to preface this by asking readers to please withhold from judgment and gossip as this is very difficult for me to share and deals with many sensitive issues.

In 1996, at the age of 5, I accepted God as my personal Savior and His gift of eternal life. I was raised in a Christian home where we attended church regularly and prayed every night before bed. My mother was the one who ultimately lead me to Christ the first time (I will explain the use of the word first later…) We weren’t the perfect family, there were rough times in my childhood, but I am thankful for the family I was born into and for the exposure to Christ at an early age because it was the foundation I came to lean on later in life.

I was a pretty good kid. I excelled in school, attended VBS every summer and AWANA every Wednesday. I continued to be active in the youth group into my Middle School years and even shared Salvation to a few friends during that time. But High School is really where I want to get to the meat of my testimony and my life transformation.

Freshmen year, as expected, was difficult. We were dealing with family illness, financial issues and I faced a huge identity crisis. Most of my friends were falling into different clicks and I wasn’t sure where I fit. At the age of 14 I first experimented with cigarettes; in my undeveloped mind it was ‘the cool thing to do.’ After awhile I found my core group of friends and continued the adjustment to high school.

Sophomore year was a big turning in my life and really when things started to go downhill and quick. Throughout the years I had had a multitude of ‘crushes’ and doodled a few Mrs. Jenni <insert crush’s last name> on my notebook but when I was 15 I began dating my first real boyfriend. I was raised with the belief that Christians should date other Christians: ‘Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?’ 2 Corinthians 6:14 But at 15 I had no thoughts about the long term effects or even marriage, what could be so wrong with dating a non-believer? I rationalized that I could always be the one who led him to Christ. This would not be the case. I changed my life to revolve around him, his interests and his friends which left very little room for the Lord. Sure I still went to church every Sunday and youth group every Sunday night but when I was on my ‘own’ time I did what felt good at the moment. I sought satisfaction from the world and the people of it. At the young age of 15 I gave myself away, a decision that still haunts me to do this day. With that action I set forth a chain reaction….unknowingly I learned to define love in unhealthy terms which I still struggle with. I programmed my mind to believe that a guy would only love me if he got what he wanted from me. Let me be real honest, changing those precedents is extremely difficult once you’ve replayed them so many times. It took me 3-4 years to get out of this reckless behavior. I am ashamed to admit the pregnancy scares I had as a teenager and later as an adult I realized how STDs were the bigger consequence. Thankfully the Lord protected me but the what if’s still plague me.

Eventually my first relationship ended, yet I still carried the stigma and careless behavior into other relationships and flings. At 16 I needed an escape from myself. I found a new group of friends and a new crutch: alcohol. It allowed me the opportunity to become someone else because I could not stand who I was at the time. Yet with every drink I hated myself more and more, mostly because of the way it inhibited my already altered inability to make wise decisions. I don’t know how many times I got into a vehicle with someone who had been drinking….again the Lord protected me for reasons I still cannot comprehend. And when the alcohol wasn’t enough I turned to prescription pain killers. I just so badly wanted to escape the mess of my life. Numerous times I would fall to my knees crying out to God to forgive me and promising I’d change my ways; but I always fell back into my old patterns. I’d show up hungover to church Sunday morning after a night of drinking the night before. I’d go to nightclubs downtown located in dangerous neighborhoods. I’d flirt and date guys who only wanted one thing and shamefully I gave it to them. I was slipping fast and it would take something big.

Senior year finally came, little had changed except for the fact that many of my friends had graduated the previous year. I felt invincible. I carried around a lot of hurt from a previously abusive relationship. I was harassed daily, called names, nasty rumors were spread about me….I was angry and decided to get even. Without even thinking a few friends and I decided to pull a prank that would completely turn my world upside down. The next day I was suspended for 10 days with a pending expulsion. Even with all my mistakes I had managed to maintain my ‘good girl’ image but now that was quickly slipping away along with everything else. My suspension lasted the entire month of March with an additional 3 weeks of in-house suspension. In that month God started to get a hold of my heart and revealed to me the consequences of my actions. I spent a lot of quiet time with Him apologizing, begging for guidance and promising to change. I gave myself to Christ for the second time and now when people ask me what age I was saved at I reply with 18 because this was when I really knew what it meant. Looking back I am so grateful for getting suspended as weird as that sounds. God needed something BIG to get my attention and boy did He!

I was not magically changed overnight. I wish I could say I didn’t slip after my life-changing experience but I did. The summer after graduation God really used that time to refine me through fire. One of the things that pains me the most is having people still see me for the person I once was. I hurt a lot of people in those years, I made mistakes I can never take back but I have to live with those consequences.

Had you told me 6 years ago how my life would play out I probably would have laughed right in your face. Now one of my greatest joys comes from hearing people say ‘wow you are so different’; it reaffirms to me the power of God. He took a lost, hurting, out-of-control girl and molded me into a woman for Christ. Praise Him for never giving up on me and my family for loving me through it all.

I pray in sharing this others will embrace their pasts and realize that they are not defined by them. You are not alone in your struggles. I also want to paint a picture of why I am who I am today. I’m not perfect, never have been and never will be, but ‘I am chosen and holy and I’m dearly loved. I am new. I am new. Too long I have lived in the shadows of shame believing that there was no way I could change. But the One who is making everything new doesn’t see me the way that I do.’

<3 JT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9bjPwwLgj0

  

P.P.D

            This post is long overdue and even as I sitting here writing this I am still torn about sharing it for fear of what people will think. But God has laid it on my heart because maybe by sharing my struggle I can be a testimony to others. I always promised to be transparent with people, to give the blunt truth no matter how difficult it might be.

P.P.D. also known as postpartum depression affects 10-20% of new moms and is the most common undiagnosed disorder after the delivery of a baby. It also carries a very harsh stereotype that ‘these’ women are unfit mothers or in the Christian realm it holds the stigma that you need more Jesus in your life. But the reality is P.P.D is a medical condition which may require medical treatment. Untreated postpartum depression can be very dangerous. There is a significant difference between ‘baby blues’ and P.P.D. A few of the most common signs include:

·         Loss of appetite

·         Insomnia

·         Intense irritability and anger

·         Overwhelming fatigue

·         Loss of interest in sex

·         Lack of joy in life

·         Feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy

·         Severe mood swings

·         Difficulty bonding with your baby

·         Withdrawal from family and friends

·         Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby

 

You may be wondering why I am rambling on. The truth is I am avoiding saying the one thing I’ve been holding in, I have postpartum depression. It all started at my 6 week doctor visit. I had been feeling ‘off.’ I didn’t want to say anything to anyone, including my husband, because I didn’t want to come off ungrateful for the INCREDIBLE blessing the Lord had given us. But I could feel myself slipping and I knew I needed help. I tried to do it on my own but was unsuccessful.

The moment I uttered the word postpartum depression the nurses insisted they remove Jasmine from the room. I was heartbroken. Did they really think I would harm my baby?? Stereotype number one. Luckily my doctor was understanding and prescribed an anti-depressant. After a week I felt like myself again and when a month had passed I stopped taking my pills. Biggest mistake. Please never, ever stop taking medication because you starting feeling better.  Depression does not magically go away that easily.

Fast forward a couple months….I was slipping again and this time I was not coming back out. I lashed out at my husband in episodes I can only describe as pure rage. I would lose control of my emotions and I couldn’t bring myself back. I would rant and rave, sometimes almost to the point of becoming violent. After it finally passed it was if I couldn’t even remember what I did or said; it consumed me that much. I scared myself and worst of all I scared my husband. Recently I hit rock bottom, I needed help and I needed it quick because my P.P.D was getting worse. I had almost every symptom listed above with the exception of thoughts of hurting my baby and not bonding with her. I realized this wasn’t about her but me. I had a problem.

I have begun taking my medication again and I pray I make wiser decisions than I did before. I do not want to go back into the darkness and I refuse to drag my family there with me. God has been so faithful to me and I know He will bring me through this too. Thankfully I have a supportive husband who has not left my side even when I pushed him away, who has fought to bring me out of this pit, and who loves me despite my flaws.

Depression is not something to be ashamed of. If you or someone you know has experienced any of these signs seek support from a doctor, friend, or family member. Don’t assume it will just go away. Mental illness is nothing to play around with, it is very real and in some cases debilitating. You don’t have to live like this.

My name is Jenni and I have P.P.D.

<3 JT

'What if your blessings come through raindrops'

I was driving home from the hospital, finally taking a second to breathe when Laura Story’s song ‘Blessings’ came on the radio. (I’ve posted the lyrics below with a link to the song if you haven’t heard it before).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOOFAaUGfRE

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

 

Needless to say I completely lost it in that moment; and as if to add to the perfectness of the lyrics for this day it began to rain. Then I cried….

I cried for the fear I felt when I got the call about my husband’s accident.

I cried for the horrible outcomes that could have taken place.

I cried for finally feeling a sense of relief.

I just cried.

As I continued to listen to the song I could feel God moving in my heart. Instead of seeing all the bad parts of the day, I could finally see the mercies of it too. It is so easy to take life for granted or to get too busy throughout the day to neglect the ones we love, yet we never know when that could be the last moment we have with them.

Honestly this morning I was tired, no exhausted. Jasmine woke up twice last night, once at 2:45am and again at 5:45am, when I had to be up by 7:30am for work. I was in a hurry to get out the door and gave my husband a quick hug, kiss and ‘I love you’ before rushing out.

What if that had been the last goodbye? Would I have looked back and regretted not holding him longer? Kissing him harder? Or doing more than saying ‘I love you’ out of routine?

Absolutely! And I think that is where the bulk of my emotions are pouring from tonight. Thankfully my husband is ok and he will recover with time but I learned a valuable lesson. So tonight as I look into my daughter’s eyes and see her daddy’s face, I promise myself that tomorrow will better and I won’t take my loved ones for granted. Sometimes it takes earth shattering moments like I had today to see God’s grace and feel Him moving. Because after all, ‘what if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are your mercies in disguise.’  

<3 JT

For Better or For Worse

            When I first started my blog I promised myself I would always be transparent with people about my feelings and my life even if things weren’t perfect or glamorous so here it is, for better or for worse.
           

In November of 2010 my husband and I took our vows:

“to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.”

It seems we have been tested on every single part of these in the last couple years, from horrible sickness shortly after he got home from Iraq to richer and poorer as we transited out of the Army and now for better and for worse. Life is always constantly changing but what do you do when some of life’s most significant changes happen all at once? Well you have two choices, you give up or you fight for what matters most. Between moving states, starting a new life and having a baby things have been overwhelming to say the least but worst of all somewhere in all the chaos my husband and I lost the thing that mattered most: we lost ‘us.’

I became so focused on taking care of a little human being that I neglected to take care of my husband.

My husband engulfed himself in his career so much that he lost he focus on things back home.

For months we argued but never about what we were really upset about, what was really hurting us. Instead we bickered about frivolous things….when we lost our ability to communicate we lost ‘us.’ After many tears, long pauses of silence to collect our thoughts and process all the emotions we finally talked about all the things we had been keeping inside. It is going to take some work, a lot of work, to get our marriage back where we want it to be but I know I have the best teammate in the world who will fight for us and our marriage.

We had the choice to give up,

 to tap out when things started to get rough,

to toss out four years together and almost three of marriage,

to start over with someone new.

But we took vows and even though the fire isn’t blazing like it use to, the hot coals are still there and with some work we can start that fire again. Because after all, we are in this for better or for worse.

Waiting...

          Well another trip to the hospital just to leave without a baby in our arms and painful contractions still happening in my belly. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed and a few tears weren’t shed. As I sat in bed consoling myself with unnecessary processed fats while my husband tried to catch up on sleep since I once again dragged him to the hospital for no reason, I started to feel something I had not felt before (no I’m not talking about contractions) I felt contentment. I am extremely anxious for Jasmine to be born but a part of me is going to miss being connected to her like this. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I have been dreaming of the day I finally get to hold her and see her; yet as she wiggled and kicked inside me (and even as I write this) I realized how content I am to still be carrying her. I also realized how selfish I was being by wanting her to come early so badly. Maybe, just maybe, she isn’t ready for this world. God not only knows when she will be born but He also has Divine plans for her once she gets here. I’m an imperfect person, how am I supposed to grasp or even comprehend His perfect plans for me and my daughter?
           

            I am no stranger to the ‘waiting trial.’ Jasmine is the miracle Josh and I have been waiting for, long before she was even conceived. God was testing us then and I have no doubt that He is testing us now. But the beauty is that He is always so faithful to provide.

            As we walked, or in my case waddled, out of the hospital my husband said, “Well the good news is you won’t be pregnant forever!” Being emotional and hormonal I did not take this statement well; however, I am now able to recognize that everything has a time and no trial lasts forever. While finishing the last of my Taco Bell indulgence I mulled over God’s word about timing and I found myself in the book of Ecclesiastes. His words gave me comfort:

“There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

What do workers gain from their toil?  I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

            So as I continue to wait I find reassurance in the fact that God has a time for everything even when I can’t or refuse to see it. I am still anxious but for now I will continue to enjoy my daughter’s movement from within because someday soon it will only be a memory.

<3 JT

Learning to Share

         From an early age, we are taught to share with others. I don’t know how many times my mom yelled at me and my sisters over this or even how many times I’ve said this to my nieces and nephews in the past week. The funny thing is, now even as an adult, I am still struggling with this concept. My husband and I have been married almost two and half years and even though I am getting better about sharing certain things with much practice there are still things I need to work on. Marriage really is the greatest test of sharing, whether it is simple things like the bed (I am a self-proclaimed bed hog), the bathroom (guilty again!), food, the television (I’m working on that one too ;)) or more important things like money, emotions, responsibilities and fears. Now we are facing one of the most significant tests of sharing in our entire marriage: a child.

            Let me be really honest for a second. No matter how perfect you think your spouse is or how perfectly you blend together with him/her, you are still two very different people and I promise you will disagree. You’ve had different experiences and up until your wedding day you lived different lives. I don’t care how much you were raised alike in respect to morals, standards or whatever you choose to call them. You still were not raised in the same home by the same two parents (if you were, I’m pretty sure that is illegal in most states.) The point is that you bring two perspectives on how you want to raise your child. Sometimes it is meaningless stuff like “honey I want the nursery to be hot pink instead of baby pink” (yes this conversation took place at one time)  or “should we pierce her ears when she is an infant or wait until she is old enough to decide?” Then there are other times when you disagree on important stuff like what age is appropriate to start dating, should we make our kids play an instrument, should we require our kids to read certain books, etc. Even though our daughter isn’t here yet we find ourselves having these conversations and not always agreeing on what we want to do. We have learned so much more about each other as we prepare to be parents to this little girl. We are learning to compromise where we can and ultimately to share our child and responsibility for her upbringing.

            At the end of the day, I am grateful for the partner I have in this journey. I’m thankful for the disagreements (maybe not right away but eventually I get there) and most of all I am greatly blessed with our daughter. As I anxiously await the arrival of   my our baby girl, I never could have imagined the amount of love I would have for her before meeting her. She and I share a special bond as mother and daughter, but Josh and I share a bond just as strong as blood: the bond of marriage. Jesus said in Mark 10, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

            So even as I struggle to relearn the childhood concept of sharing, I am confident that I will get the hang of it. Today I will work on my parenting strategy and tomorrow my bed hogging, well maybe… ;)

<3 JT

Happy Birthday Jellybean

I’m afraid of remembering because of the pain it will bring, but I think I am most afraid of forgetting. I don’t want to forget our first child though his or her life lasted mere weeks. I don’t want to forget the love I have for someone I never met, never held and only saw after death. Though it hurts me to my core, I don’t want to forget. January 13^th will always be special to me and yet in the back of my mind I will always wonder. To be honest I have been dreading that day for a long time now. On Thursday I looked at the calendar marked with big letters ‘Jellybean’s birthday.’ In my mind I couldn’t believe it was so close and for a moment I questioned whether I would have remembered or not, but in my heart I knew when it was. The thing about grief is that you never know when it will hit you or even why. The tears will just start to flow and suddenly you have to focus on breathing. I think that is the worst part, not knowing when it will happen. I never expected to be standing in the card aisle at Wal-Mart struggling to see through what seemed like an ocean of water, trying to focus on words that no longer made sense and doing everything to just keep myself from collapsing. That is the other thing about grief everyone grieves differently. For my husband he wanted to honor our angel baby by buying a birthday card. But just the sight of all the happy birthday wishes and cards addressed to someone special made me want to vomit. Turns out there aren’t cards for this kind of situation, probably because there aren’t any words. A day that should have brought so much joy now brings sorrow and empty arms. If that isn’t enough emotion, I carry so much guilt on top of it.

Guilt for possibly coming off as ungrateful for the child I do have with me…

Guilt for having another baby so quickly after the loss…

Guilt that one child may seem more important than the other…

I think people assume that you are ‘over it’ just because you are pregnant with a second baby. We are so incredibly thankful for Jasmine, she is such a precious gift from God but that doesn’t mean we have forgotten about our Jellybean. I truly believe each child is unique from conception in their personality and looks so I mourn the loss of him or her as an individual.

But God makes no mistakes and the number of days we have on this earth were determined long before we were ever formed whether that equal 6 weeks or 90 years; and that magic number is based on how long until our purpose is finally fulfilled. Jasmine wouldn’t be here had Jellybean not gone to be with the Lord, his/her purpose is complete while Jasmine’s is still here with us for reasons I may never fully understand. All I know is that I am the proud mother of two miracles: one angel in Heaven and one princess still growing inside me. I may not know what to expect each January 13^th but I know I won’t forget. Happy birthday Jellybean! Mommy and daddy will always love you.

<3 JT