P.P.D

            This post is long overdue and even as I sitting here writing this I am still torn about sharing it for fear of what people will think. But God has laid it on my heart because maybe by sharing my struggle I can be a testimony to others. I always promised to be transparent with people, to give the blunt truth no matter how difficult it might be.

P.P.D. also known as postpartum depression affects 10-20% of new moms and is the most common undiagnosed disorder after the delivery of a baby. It also carries a very harsh stereotype that ‘these’ women are unfit mothers or in the Christian realm it holds the stigma that you need more Jesus in your life. But the reality is P.P.D is a medical condition which may require medical treatment. Untreated postpartum depression can be very dangerous. There is a significant difference between ‘baby blues’ and P.P.D. A few of the most common signs include:

·         Loss of appetite

·         Insomnia

·         Intense irritability and anger

·         Overwhelming fatigue

·         Loss of interest in sex

·         Lack of joy in life

·         Feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy

·         Severe mood swings

·         Difficulty bonding with your baby

·         Withdrawal from family and friends

·         Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby

 

You may be wondering why I am rambling on. The truth is I am avoiding saying the one thing I’ve been holding in, I have postpartum depression. It all started at my 6 week doctor visit. I had been feeling ‘off.’ I didn’t want to say anything to anyone, including my husband, because I didn’t want to come off ungrateful for the INCREDIBLE blessing the Lord had given us. But I could feel myself slipping and I knew I needed help. I tried to do it on my own but was unsuccessful.

The moment I uttered the word postpartum depression the nurses insisted they remove Jasmine from the room. I was heartbroken. Did they really think I would harm my baby?? Stereotype number one. Luckily my doctor was understanding and prescribed an anti-depressant. After a week I felt like myself again and when a month had passed I stopped taking my pills. Biggest mistake. Please never, ever stop taking medication because you starting feeling better.  Depression does not magically go away that easily.

Fast forward a couple months….I was slipping again and this time I was not coming back out. I lashed out at my husband in episodes I can only describe as pure rage. I would lose control of my emotions and I couldn’t bring myself back. I would rant and rave, sometimes almost to the point of becoming violent. After it finally passed it was if I couldn’t even remember what I did or said; it consumed me that much. I scared myself and worst of all I scared my husband. Recently I hit rock bottom, I needed help and I needed it quick because my P.P.D was getting worse. I had almost every symptom listed above with the exception of thoughts of hurting my baby and not bonding with her. I realized this wasn’t about her but me. I had a problem.

I have begun taking my medication again and I pray I make wiser decisions than I did before. I do not want to go back into the darkness and I refuse to drag my family there with me. God has been so faithful to me and I know He will bring me through this too. Thankfully I have a supportive husband who has not left my side even when I pushed him away, who has fought to bring me out of this pit, and who loves me despite my flaws.

Depression is not something to be ashamed of. If you or someone you know has experienced any of these signs seek support from a doctor, friend, or family member. Don’t assume it will just go away. Mental illness is nothing to play around with, it is very real and in some cases debilitating. You don’t have to live like this.

My name is Jenni and I have P.P.D.

<3 JT