P.P.D

            This post is long overdue and even as I sitting here writing this I am still torn about sharing it for fear of what people will think. But God has laid it on my heart because maybe by sharing my struggle I can be a testimony to others. I always promised to be transparent with people, to give the blunt truth no matter how difficult it might be.

P.P.D. also known as postpartum depression affects 10-20% of new moms and is the most common undiagnosed disorder after the delivery of a baby. It also carries a very harsh stereotype that ‘these’ women are unfit mothers or in the Christian realm it holds the stigma that you need more Jesus in your life. But the reality is P.P.D is a medical condition which may require medical treatment. Untreated postpartum depression can be very dangerous. There is a significant difference between ‘baby blues’ and P.P.D. A few of the most common signs include:

·         Loss of appetite

·         Insomnia

·         Intense irritability and anger

·         Overwhelming fatigue

·         Loss of interest in sex

·         Lack of joy in life

·         Feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy

·         Severe mood swings

·         Difficulty bonding with your baby

·         Withdrawal from family and friends

·         Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby

 

You may be wondering why I am rambling on. The truth is I am avoiding saying the one thing I’ve been holding in, I have postpartum depression. It all started at my 6 week doctor visit. I had been feeling ‘off.’ I didn’t want to say anything to anyone, including my husband, because I didn’t want to come off ungrateful for the INCREDIBLE blessing the Lord had given us. But I could feel myself slipping and I knew I needed help. I tried to do it on my own but was unsuccessful.

The moment I uttered the word postpartum depression the nurses insisted they remove Jasmine from the room. I was heartbroken. Did they really think I would harm my baby?? Stereotype number one. Luckily my doctor was understanding and prescribed an anti-depressant. After a week I felt like myself again and when a month had passed I stopped taking my pills. Biggest mistake. Please never, ever stop taking medication because you starting feeling better.  Depression does not magically go away that easily.

Fast forward a couple months….I was slipping again and this time I was not coming back out. I lashed out at my husband in episodes I can only describe as pure rage. I would lose control of my emotions and I couldn’t bring myself back. I would rant and rave, sometimes almost to the point of becoming violent. After it finally passed it was if I couldn’t even remember what I did or said; it consumed me that much. I scared myself and worst of all I scared my husband. Recently I hit rock bottom, I needed help and I needed it quick because my P.P.D was getting worse. I had almost every symptom listed above with the exception of thoughts of hurting my baby and not bonding with her. I realized this wasn’t about her but me. I had a problem.

I have begun taking my medication again and I pray I make wiser decisions than I did before. I do not want to go back into the darkness and I refuse to drag my family there with me. God has been so faithful to me and I know He will bring me through this too. Thankfully I have a supportive husband who has not left my side even when I pushed him away, who has fought to bring me out of this pit, and who loves me despite my flaws.

Depression is not something to be ashamed of. If you or someone you know has experienced any of these signs seek support from a doctor, friend, or family member. Don’t assume it will just go away. Mental illness is nothing to play around with, it is very real and in some cases debilitating. You don’t have to live like this.

My name is Jenni and I have P.P.D.

<3 JT

'What if your blessings come through raindrops'

I was driving home from the hospital, finally taking a second to breathe when Laura Story’s song ‘Blessings’ came on the radio. (I’ve posted the lyrics below with a link to the song if you haven’t heard it before).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOOFAaUGfRE

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

 

Needless to say I completely lost it in that moment; and as if to add to the perfectness of the lyrics for this day it began to rain. Then I cried….

I cried for the fear I felt when I got the call about my husband’s accident.

I cried for the horrible outcomes that could have taken place.

I cried for finally feeling a sense of relief.

I just cried.

As I continued to listen to the song I could feel God moving in my heart. Instead of seeing all the bad parts of the day, I could finally see the mercies of it too. It is so easy to take life for granted or to get too busy throughout the day to neglect the ones we love, yet we never know when that could be the last moment we have with them.

Honestly this morning I was tired, no exhausted. Jasmine woke up twice last night, once at 2:45am and again at 5:45am, when I had to be up by 7:30am for work. I was in a hurry to get out the door and gave my husband a quick hug, kiss and ‘I love you’ before rushing out.

What if that had been the last goodbye? Would I have looked back and regretted not holding him longer? Kissing him harder? Or doing more than saying ‘I love you’ out of routine?

Absolutely! And I think that is where the bulk of my emotions are pouring from tonight. Thankfully my husband is ok and he will recover with time but I learned a valuable lesson. So tonight as I look into my daughter’s eyes and see her daddy’s face, I promise myself that tomorrow will better and I won’t take my loved ones for granted. Sometimes it takes earth shattering moments like I had today to see God’s grace and feel Him moving. Because after all, ‘what if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are your mercies in disguise.’  

<3 JT