'I'm Not the Same Me'

“I remember the moment, I remember the pain. I was only a girl but I grew up that day. Tears were falling, I know you saw me. Hidin’ there in my bedroom, so alone, I was doing my best trying to be strong. No one to turn to, that’s when I met You.”

~ ‘All This Time’ by Britt Nicole

The first time I heard this song I was in tears. I was stopped at the four-way down the road from our home when I paused to turn up the volume and allowed the words to sink in. It was more than a catchy tune, but it was as if the words were speaking to my soul; a deep part I had not really connected with in a while. The singer could have easily been singing about me, about my story.

I chose to publically share my testimony on social media in 2013 after much hesitation and ultimately much persuasion {or rather probing} by God. My testimony can be found here. But there is so much more to my story. It is no secret that I gave my life {fully} to Christ and HIS will in 2009, yet this decision continues to impact my life now every single day.

Thanks to social media, in positive and negative ways, I’ve been able to reconnect with people from my ‘lost’ years {the years where I hid and ran from God}. There is no greater feeling than hearing from others how different I am from then. I’ve heard this statement in both positive and negative lights. Sometimes I have to hear how I’m not fun anymore because I don’t party, drink, or go clubbing……sometimes I hear how much more compassion and kindness I have. Though these statements vary greatly in tone, both condescending and encouraging, I consider them both to be extraordinary compliments. I’m thankful I don’t make the reckless choices I once found to be fun and exciting. I’m thankful Christ is able to show HIS love THROUGH me.

The Bible says in 1 Corinthians Chapter 15, Verse 10:

‘But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them--yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me.’

 It is God who changed me, not me. When I surrendered my life to Him I allowed His love to work in me and through me. By accepting His grace and mercy I freed myself from all the wrong things I had done, I released myself from the shame and guilt.

There are times I still feel the pain from the choices I made and mostly the people I hurt, then I see the changes He made in me in action and I am in awe.

Let’s rewind 7 years ago….let me introduce you to myself:

I’m 17 years old.
I find enjoyment in drinking excessive amounts of alcohol to remove myself from reality.
On a Friday or Saturday night I can be found downtown in the clubs.

I search for acceptance from my peers, and love from the attention I receive from men.

I use my body to gain ‘love’ from the opposite sex.
I sleep around.

I put myself in dangerous situations from accepting rides from drunk drivers to staying out late and mixing alcohol with prescription meds.

I smile but I’m not happy.

I’m driven but I’m lost.

I go to church but shut out God.
I know I’m slipping but frankly I don’t care.

It is quite the different picture from today right?

This past Friday my husband and I had the incredible privilege to attend the Garth Brooks concert. {side note: years prior you’d be more likely to find me at a Jay-Z concert}
As I looked out at the sea of people drinking, letting the alcohol free them from any inhibitions, I found myself feeling disgusted.

Don’t get me wrong I do not look down on those who drink and am not opposed to the occasional drink with dinner, but to see others acting just like I use to I couldn’t help feeling appalled. To find alcohol repulsing was a shocking feeling to me knowing the ‘me’ from 7 years ago. This was more than a change in choices, it is a change in heart, it’s God.

Driving in the car I surf the stations, coming across one of my previous ‘go to’ channels….I’m completely overwhelmed. The fast pace, the language, the derogatory lyrics...something I once lived for is now revolting.

Hearing stories of young girls giving themselves up to multiple men in the hopes of feeling loved breaks my heart; I see myself in them, I know the heartache they are setting themselves up for. I long to embrace them yearning to saving them, begging them to stay pure though I did not.

Looking back through various pictures I hardly recognize myself. My eyes seem empty, my smile concealing deep pain. It feels like another life, and yet it was. My life prior to Christ looks so different.

I try to share my love for Christ and the gift of Salvation with everyone I can, not because I want to ‘thump my Bible’ or judge the decisions of others, I share because I see how He can change. How He restores. How He loves. I see it every day in my life.

To no surprise I encounter a lot of pushback and doubt, but “I’m not the same me and that’s all the proof I need.”

How could He change your life?

<3 JT

Check out Britt Nicole’s song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmTGLdSW5Sw

When P.P.D Strikes...Again

Back in 2013 I became all too acquainted with the term P.P.D (postpartum depression). You can read more about my story here.

Yet little did I know that I would once again be standing in a dark valley staring up at the enormous mountain before me just a year and a half later. The feat seems impossible; it’s too high, I’m too tired, I can’t even see the light at the top…I can’t I can’t I can’t.

 I am a new mom to a perfectly, healthy and handsome baby boy. I have a daughter I adore, a husband who loves me and a nice place to call home, so why am I this unhappy? Shouldn’t I be over the moon with happiness? I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Instead of joy I feel anger. Instead of participating in the miracle of our family I feel withdrawn.

When people hear the term depression they automatically relate it to sadness but it is not that simple. Depression is so much more than ‘being sad.’ It may come out in emotional reactions but it starts on the inside. Hormones are the foundation on which a good portion of our mood is based; thus when the necessary hormones are lacking or imbalanced, your body is unable to maintain mood. After pregnancy a woman’s body is a mess of hormones. For 9 months your body has adjusted to not only make room for another human being but also changed to sustain the new life, it is crazy to think your body should go back to its ‘normal’ self right after birth.

It is no secret that I was only born with one kidney; yet with the absence of the kidney I am also missing an adrenal gland, which was new information to me until recently. The adrenal gland produces cortisol and aldosterone. Cortisol is responsible for helping your body respond to stress. With only one adrenal gland it is that much harder for my body to respond to stress. It gave me a little sense of relief to hear there is something physical to explain my irrational emotions.

There is such a stigma that comes with postpartum depression or any mental illness for that matter. People assume it something you can control. If you are unhappy just be happy. Within the religious realm it is often perceived as not relying enough on God or being spiritually unsound. Both of these perceptions could not be further from the truth. P.P.D is NOT something a woman can control; though connecting with Christ through the struggle is helpful it is more than a spiritual issue, it is a physical deficiency.

I didn’t tell many people I was battling postpartum depression again. I knew for two weeks before I ever mentioned it to my husband and mom because of a great sense of guilt, shame and embarrassment. I think I waited so long to say the words out loud because saying made it real. Seriously how could this happen AGAIN?! I always took my medication. I made sure my marriage remained strong during pregnancy. I prayed daily. I did everything right…..so why is this happening? The reality is I can’t help how my body is reacting. I could have done everything ‘right’ and still ended up on this road a second time.

After multiple episodes of rage I hit my breaking point; I needed help. As ashamed as I felt I made the call to my OB. I dreaded walking into the office knowing I was there to admit I had failed again. The nurse called my name, I forced a smile as she greeted me. “How are you doing?” she asks. “Good” I respond. Good?! I am far from good but I cannot bring myself to tell her the truth. I’m sitting in the room waiting for the doctor filling out the standard P.P.D evaluation, as I check box after box on the questionnaire I realize how awful my answers make me sound. For a moment I contemplate changing a few but now is not the time to play down how bad things are. It takes the doctor a second to look over my answers and officially diagnose me with postpartum depression. Though I had avoided saying it out loud for a couple weeks, hearing her say it gives me relief. It is as if a heavy burden is finally lifted from my shoulders. We discuss a treatment plan involving medication and counseling with a follow up appointment in a month. I leave the office feeling encouraged and empowered. I know this is just the start of a difficult journey but I also know I CAN do this. I beat this once and I can beat it again.

It has only been a couple days since my visit with the doctor and unfortunately results are not going to come overnight, but I have something I didn’t have a week ago: I have hope. Hope that things are going to get better, that I am going to get better. Hope that this will be a distant memory soon. Hope that I will become a better mother and wife for going through this. Hope that my journey will once again help someone else who may be suffering.

 

1 in 10 women will experience postpartum depression, with the percentages even higher for women who have had P.P.D after prior pregnancies.

I am the 1 in 10.

I am the face of postpartum depression.

 

JT <3