Back in 2013 I became all too
acquainted with the term P.P.D (postpartum depression). You can read more about
my story here.
Yet little did I know that I would once again be standing in a dark valley staring up at the enormous mountain before me just a year and a half later. The feat seems impossible; it’s too high, I’m too tired, I can’t even see the light at the top…I can’t I can’t I can’t.
Yet little did I know that I would once again be standing in a dark valley staring up at the enormous mountain before me just a year and a half later. The feat seems impossible; it’s too high, I’m too tired, I can’t even see the light at the top…I can’t I can’t I can’t.
When people hear the term
depression they automatically relate it to sadness but it is not that simple.
Depression is so much more than ‘being sad.’ It may come out in emotional
reactions but it starts on the inside. Hormones are the foundation on which a
good portion of our mood is based; thus when the necessary hormones are lacking
or imbalanced, your body is unable to maintain mood. After pregnancy a woman’s
body is a mess of hormones. For 9 months your body has adjusted to not only
make room for another human being but also changed to sustain the new life, it
is crazy to think your body should go back to its ‘normal’ self right after
birth.
It is no secret that I was
only born with one kidney; yet with the absence of the kidney I am also missing
an adrenal gland, which was new information to me until recently. The adrenal
gland produces cortisol and aldosterone. Cortisol is responsible for helping
your body respond to stress. With only one adrenal gland it is that much harder
for my body to respond to stress. It gave me a little sense of relief to hear
there is something physical to explain my irrational emotions.
There is such a stigma that comes with postpartum depression or any mental illness for that matter. People assume it something you can control. If you are unhappy just be happy. Within the religious realm it is often perceived as not relying enough on God or being spiritually unsound. Both of these perceptions could not be further from the truth. P.P.D is NOT something a woman can control; though connecting with Christ through the struggle is helpful it is more than a spiritual issue, it is a physical deficiency.
There is such a stigma that comes with postpartum depression or any mental illness for that matter. People assume it something you can control. If you are unhappy just be happy. Within the religious realm it is often perceived as not relying enough on God or being spiritually unsound. Both of these perceptions could not be further from the truth. P.P.D is NOT something a woman can control; though connecting with Christ through the struggle is helpful it is more than a spiritual issue, it is a physical deficiency.
I didn’t tell many people I was
battling postpartum depression again. I knew for two weeks before I ever
mentioned it to my husband and mom because of a great sense of guilt, shame and
embarrassment. I think I waited so long to say the words out loud because
saying made it real. Seriously how could this happen AGAIN?! I always took my
medication. I made sure my marriage remained strong during pregnancy. I prayed
daily. I did everything right…..so why is this happening? The reality is I
can’t help how my body is reacting. I could have done everything ‘right’ and
still ended up on this road a second time.
After multiple episodes of
rage I hit my breaking point; I needed help. As ashamed as I felt I made the
call to my OB. I dreaded walking into the office knowing I was there to admit I
had failed again. The nurse called my name, I forced a smile as she greeted me.
“How are you doing?” she asks. “Good” I respond. Good?! I am far from good but
I cannot bring myself to tell her the truth. I’m sitting in the room waiting
for the doctor filling out the standard P.P.D evaluation, as I check box after
box on the questionnaire I realize how awful my answers make me sound. For a
moment I contemplate changing a few but now is not the time to play down how
bad things are. It takes the doctor a second to look over my answers and
officially diagnose me with postpartum depression. Though I had avoided saying
it out loud for a couple weeks, hearing her say it gives me relief. It is as if
a heavy burden is finally lifted from my shoulders. We discuss a treatment plan
involving medication and counseling with a follow up appointment in a month. I
leave the office feeling encouraged and empowered. I know this is just the
start of a difficult journey but I also know I CAN do this. I beat this once
and I can beat it again.
It has only been a couple days since my visit with the doctor and unfortunately results are not going to come overnight, but I have something I didn’t have a week ago: I have hope. Hope that things are going to get better, that I am going to get better. Hope that this will be a distant memory soon. Hope that I will become a better mother and wife for going through this. Hope that my journey will once again help someone else who may be suffering.
It has only been a couple days since my visit with the doctor and unfortunately results are not going to come overnight, but I have something I didn’t have a week ago: I have hope. Hope that things are going to get better, that I am going to get better. Hope that this will be a distant memory soon. Hope that I will become a better mother and wife for going through this. Hope that my journey will once again help someone else who may be suffering.
1 in 10 women will experience
postpartum depression, with the percentages even higher for women who have had
P.P.D after prior pregnancies.
I am the 1 in 10.
I am the face of postpartum
depression.
JT <3
