Our Angel Baby

                                                     

It’s been 24 hours since it happened….a mere 24 hours since I found out about the loss of our first baby. Even as I write these words I still am in shock. I just don’t know how this could be happening. Reliving that moment in my head has haunted me all day….

It was a Sunday just like any other. 5am rolled around and I got up for my usual early morning bathroom visit. When I saw blood I really didn’t give it a second thought. I had been waiting for my period to come for the last 10 days and every pregnancy test I had taken up till 3 days ago had been negative. I grabbed a pad and went back to sleep. That day brought on bad cramping, bleeding and back pain but I never gave it a second thought, positive that it was menstrual-related. The day came and went pretty uneventfully, in all honesty it was a good day spent with my husband. Just that evening we sat on our patio enjoying the summer weather and ice cream. We even spoke of the great life we had, totally unaware of what was about to occur that would completely rock our world.

It was 11pm and the hubby was ready for bed since he had to be up so early for PT. I went to do my nightly ritual of brushing my teeth, combing my hair and using the bathroom. It was then that I saw it. Among the blood was a glob of gray tissue. I did a double take as I was about to flush, something just didn’t feel right. I used a piece of toilet paper to move it around to get a better view; I could not believe what I was seeing. The moment I cleared some of the blood away I just knew. I called out to my husband through the door that something wasn’t right. He kept asking what do you think it is?

Silence….

            I knew what it was; I just couldn’t bring myself to say the words. I sat on the bathroom floor and cried. 30 minutes must have passed before I got the strength to flush the toilet. The whole time I was thinking, ‘I am flushing away my baby.’

            I crawled into bed and into my husband’s arms. I didn’t cry, I wept. I convinced myself that maybe I was wrong and I would get up tomorrow and have the rest of my normal period; this would not be the case. The day that followed brought minimal blood and cramping, not typical of my normal cycle. My heart dropped. This would be one of the hardest and longest days of my life. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I just cried for what could have been.

My baby….

My daughter with her daddy’s wit and her mommy’s eyes.

Or my son with his daddy’s hair and his mommy’s drive.

            I called the doctor to get their opinion on everything, still holding onto some hope. But they only confirmed my fears. They ended with, “there is nothing we can do.” I completely lost it as soon as I hung up the phone.

I can’t help but grieve….

Grieve the fact that I never knew about the precious baby I was carrying.

Grieve the child that I will never get to hold.

Grieve the loss of something that is a part of me and my husband.

            I do take comfort knowing that our baby lived the perfect life, free from suffering and strife; and that in this moment she or he is in the arms of our Lord. But my selfish hearts still aches to hold her or him.

I miss our jellybean already.

                                                Baby ‘Jellybean’ Talcott

                                           April 8^th, 2012-May 20^th, 2012

                                                 Forever in Our Hearts

JT <3