They say
there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and
acceptance. For the past few days I have been stuck in depression. The
overwhelming sadness of what could have been, what we’ve lost. But today I woke
up to a new stage: anger.
To say that I
am pissed off would be an understatement. It reminds of a quote of one of my
favorite Tyler Perry movies, “I’m not bitter, I’m mad as hell!” 
I’m angry
that this happened…
I’m angry
that I don’t get to feel the joy so many others do…
I’m angry at
all those who are still carrying their babies…
I’m angry
that nobody has the right words to say to take away this pain…
I am just
filled with so much anger. I want to scream, slam doors and run away from
everyone and everything. I just want to shut out the world.
I’m not
looking for an explanation or a justification; I’m looking to feel normal
again.
Please don’t infer
my anger for ungratefulness. I am truly blessed by all the support we have
received. This is just another step in the journey. A journey I wasn’t planning
to take. In a way the anger makes me feel human, that I am capable of feeling
more than just sadness. This passage from a psychology article on grief sums it
up perfectly:
“Underneath
anger is pain, your pain. It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned, but we
live in a society that fears anger. Anger is strength and it can be an anchor,
giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss.”
I want to
thank those who have struck it through with me so far despite the mood swings,
late nights of crying, and everything else. My family and husband has been the
rock I can lean on when it all seems to be crashing down. And most of all where
would I be without my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? He promises “to never leave
us nor forsake us.” My Bible has not left my side this entire time. I find
comfort in His words:
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