Reality

            How thankful I am for the week I spent in the Bahamas with my husband. Everything was so carefree, so beautiful and fresh. It was just what we needed after the year we’ve had. For the first time in a long time I felt like I could let out a sigh of relief; all the problems were left back home along with the bad memories of all that has happened. I had escaped reality, at least for the moment.

            I was able to let go of everything. I was free to smile and laugh again, things I thought I had lost the ability to do. I thought I had convinced myself that I was better, I was moving on.  One of the best parts was connecting and rediscovering the depths of my husband and my love for each other. It is incredible what stress and horrendous life events can do to a relationship.

            But now I’m home again with all the memories and all the ‘come have beens.’ I try to distract myself from such thoughts, but it isn’t so simple sometimes. It is just so painful to see everyone going on with their lives. People getting pregnant, having babies, being happy….it hurts me.

            Over the last few weeks I have misinterpreted my bitterness for strength. I tricked myself into believing that my tears were weakness and anger would conceal my sadness. The anger makes me feel like I am in control of my emotions, but in actuality, the bitterness is what is in control of me. I feel myself shutting down, shutting people out. I realize that I am still grieving and until today I have been depriving myself of doing so. Even though it was 3 weeks ago, I still strongly feel the sense of loss. A feeling I am not sure that I will ever stop having.

            Yet I know in my heart that things will get better and brighter days are just on the horizon. As cliché as it sounds, I am merely taking it one day at a time; and some are just a bigger challenge than others.  Reality is not as fun as the Bahamas.