Emotionally Transparent

Today was my first official day back at work and true to a Monday we were super busy. The phone was ringing off the hook, clients were constantly coming and going, files kept piling up, questions needed answering, appointments needed scheduling….oh boy my head is still spinning. I have been dreading this day for weeks now. How was I supposed to conceal my inner pain? How was I supposed to go to work and face everything pregnancy related? (Which  is kind of hard to avoid when you are a counselor at a pregnancy center.)

The hustle and bustle of the day left little time to think, I am thankful for that. Yet the moment always comes when you get home to the silence and in the silence you think. You wonder. You question. You start to feel everything you have held in the whole day.

For me I felt anger and sadness; Anger towards the countless clients coming in pregnant and wanting it to end. What I wouldn’t give to have kept my baby. And sadness for my broken heart that aches with every beat.  I wanted to break something and fall to my knees all at the same time.

But I am too emotionally exhausted to do anything, even cry.

The anger is also fueled by this constant pressure from people telling what they think I need or what is best for me right now. Go back to normal life again you say? Yeah I’d love to if I even knew what that was. Jump back into the swing of things? That would be great if I had the energy to focus and the motivation to get out of bed. In the past month I’ve been offered advice, listened to numerous stories of loss, and heard time and time again that this is God’s plan.

Yeah not helpful…I have found myself consoling others in their pain and saying I’m sorry for your loss more than I have received. I am not usually a selfish person, quite the contrary actually. I am so concerned with everyone’s feelings and well-being over my own all the time; Always going out of my way for others (a nifty little characteristic from my mother), but I feel like it is rarely returned. For once I am going to be concerned about myself and how I feel and right now it is not good. So here are some of my thoughts about how I feel:

 If sitting around all day in pajamas makes me feel better then let me be.

If your advice exceeds “I’m sorry” or “I’m praying you” don’t send it.

If I grieve the rest of my life that is my choice and I have a right to do so.

If I talk about my baby or call myself a mother, just smile. I don’t need to hear your logic ‘that technically you aren’t or it wasn’t….’

If I get angry (which I do) let me be.

If I cry hug me.

If I share with you just listen. That is all, just listen.

If nothing else please do not compare it to your sister’s daughter’s friend’s mother who went through the exact same thing. I don’t care how common or how often this is, it is happening to me in this moment please be here with me.

In short, this is my life now: unpredictable, overwhelming, confusing. I can't help but be transparent with my emotions. So you are either in this journey WITH me or not in it at all. I don’t have the time, energy or patience to coddle everyone right now. I have bigger issues to handle…

 <3 JT