Light in the Dark

            After my outburst on Monday that erupted from my emotions being on pure overdrive, I woke up the next day feeling just as bitter. I grumbled as I rolled out bed and started my day. I rushed through my routine when I noticed that I woke up late, which added to my frustration. Finally I was in the shower, where I completely lost it. After washing and shaving through the tears I sat on the bed and wept; I wept harder than I had in weeks. I yelled out, “Why God?! I don’t understand! I can’t handle the pain anymore.” And then I admitted something I had been holding in for the past month, “I am so mad at You!”

There it was. I was mad at God. Of course He knew that all along but I couldn’t bring myself to say the words to Him. Instead I held it in and let it cause me to become bitter. I didn’t lose my faith but it certainly had been shaken. That Tuesday morning I finally had a candid conversation with God. I confessed my anger, hardened heart and ungratefulness. I truly learned how unconditional God’s love is and how unfailing His grace is for me. In that moment I finally felt something I so desperately longed for, I felt peace.

My attitude had completely shifted from depressed and cold back to happy and compassionate. Just the previous day I talked to my mom on the phone, she mentioned that I didn’t sound like myself. She could hear it in my voice and I could hear her concern. I didn’t want people to worry about me but she and my husband made it clear that they had been uneasy about my well-being for a while. They were right though, I was quickly slipping into a dark place. I had become dormant in my faith, my relationships and my life. It was no secret that I was depressed, emotionally sad, but it had become more than that. I no longer enjoyed the things I use to find happiness in, simple tasks absolutely overwhelmed me, the dishes piled up, the laundry sat untouched, I bickered with my husband over insignificant things…I lost my heart, my ability to care and my ability to love.

One of my favorite songs by King and Country, “Proof of Your Love,” really hit home to me:

“If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.”

I was merely going through the motions of the day but there was no love behind it. How am I supposed to be an example of Christ’s love when my heart was so hard? On Tuesday God softened my heart again. He took the burden that was crushing me and put it on His own shoulders.  “For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:30

The past month has been unbearable at times but I made it worse my blaming everyone and everything for the way I felt but myself.

I blamed my circumstances.

I blamed losing my baby.

I blamed people for their insensitive remarks.

I blamed the world for going on while mine was falling apart.

But in the end it was up to ME to change MY attitude and I couldn’t have done it without the help of my Lord. He gave me my life back, He restored my light. It was amazing to hear my husband’s sense of relief in his voice when I finally let go of all the negative emotions and placed it in the hands of God.

That night when we got home I looked up at the sky as the sun was starting to set; such extraordinary mix of pink and blue. It was not only beautiful to see but to feel. Finally I could see the beauty in the world again. I could see the light after emerging from a dark place.

<3 JT