Why me?

The last few years have brought a lot of trials, but in retrospect I have been encountering trials all my life. While in the middle of the fire I often cried out to God, ‘why me?!’

Why must I go through the pain of losing a child?

Why must I go through the battle of illness?

Why….

Why….

Why….

Yet with the start of the New Year I took some time to reflect (and cry) about many of these trials and for the first time I saw their purpose. Throughout the years I have been able to use my struggles to minister to others going through the same thing.

I spent most of college working with women and young girls dealing with abuse; had I not experienced the control and violence first hand I would not have had the compassion or courage to share their journey.

More recently I have spent a great deal of time comforting mothers whose babies are in Heaven with my angel. For so long I felt like our child’s death was beyond senseless but I realize more now than ever that his life was not in vain.

While fighting what seemed like an impossible battle against infection, I made friends with those fighting illnesses of their own. We were able to find strength in each other and celebrate the little things that others could never understand.

God used every single one of these trials, and many more, to show Himself to the world. He used ME as an instrument of His love. How awesome is that?!

So as I wallowed in my own self-pity, I was reminded of a verse in the Bible:

“Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me.”

~Isaiah 6:8

I’m sure the Lord has more trials coming for me and though they may be difficult, painful, devastating….instead of saying ‘why me?’ I will say "Here am I; send me.' 

<3 JT

Time Heals All Wounds?

They say time heals all wounds….I’m not sure I agree. With time the pain lessens, life keeps going but the wound still exists in the form of a scar. One week from today our sweet angel baby will celebrate his first birthday in Heaven. Though time has kept ticking away, though this year has brought us the miracle of our daughter, though the chaos of life has drown out the initial grief in the moments of silence I hurt.

This upcoming celebration of life has proved to be more painful than last year’s. I have had the great joy of watching Jasmine grow, learn and come into her personality which makes me yearn to know the child I never met.

Who would he look like?

Whose personality would he take after?

Would he be walking? Talking?

The list goes on and on……

People assume that having another child in some way will replace the other. This could not be more untrue. From the moment of conception our first child was entirely different than our sweet Jasmine. I guess that is what pains me the most, not having the opportunity to know our son or daughter.  My heart just aches.

When a woman has a miscarriage she loses more than a pregnancy. She loses all the hopes and dreams she had for her baby. She loses a future she was so eager to start. She loses memories she’ll never get to have. She loses a part of herself. A part she will never get back.

As January 13^th approaches I will praise the Lord for the blessing of two children: one in Heaven and one in my arms. I will praise Him for His provision. I will praise Him for giving me the time He did with my angel baby. Though I will weep, I will praise Him.

Time may not heal all wounds but it does keep going (sometimes much to my dismay), and with every second I am given I will keep the memory of my Jellybean alive.

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
― Rose Kennedy


<3 JT

“I Will Carry You” Selah http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxZhEcTzn6Q