Light in the Dark

            After my outburst on Monday that erupted from my emotions being on pure overdrive, I woke up the next day feeling just as bitter. I grumbled as I rolled out bed and started my day. I rushed through my routine when I noticed that I woke up late, which added to my frustration. Finally I was in the shower, where I completely lost it. After washing and shaving through the tears I sat on the bed and wept; I wept harder than I had in weeks. I yelled out, “Why God?! I don’t understand! I can’t handle the pain anymore.” And then I admitted something I had been holding in for the past month, “I am so mad at You!”

There it was. I was mad at God. Of course He knew that all along but I couldn’t bring myself to say the words to Him. Instead I held it in and let it cause me to become bitter. I didn’t lose my faith but it certainly had been shaken. That Tuesday morning I finally had a candid conversation with God. I confessed my anger, hardened heart and ungratefulness. I truly learned how unconditional God’s love is and how unfailing His grace is for me. In that moment I finally felt something I so desperately longed for, I felt peace.

My attitude had completely shifted from depressed and cold back to happy and compassionate. Just the previous day I talked to my mom on the phone, she mentioned that I didn’t sound like myself. She could hear it in my voice and I could hear her concern. I didn’t want people to worry about me but she and my husband made it clear that they had been uneasy about my well-being for a while. They were right though, I was quickly slipping into a dark place. I had become dormant in my faith, my relationships and my life. It was no secret that I was depressed, emotionally sad, but it had become more than that. I no longer enjoyed the things I use to find happiness in, simple tasks absolutely overwhelmed me, the dishes piled up, the laundry sat untouched, I bickered with my husband over insignificant things…I lost my heart, my ability to care and my ability to love.

One of my favorite songs by King and Country, “Proof of Your Love,” really hit home to me:

“If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.”

I was merely going through the motions of the day but there was no love behind it. How am I supposed to be an example of Christ’s love when my heart was so hard? On Tuesday God softened my heart again. He took the burden that was crushing me and put it on His own shoulders.  “For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:30

The past month has been unbearable at times but I made it worse my blaming everyone and everything for the way I felt but myself.

I blamed my circumstances.

I blamed losing my baby.

I blamed people for their insensitive remarks.

I blamed the world for going on while mine was falling apart.

But in the end it was up to ME to change MY attitude and I couldn’t have done it without the help of my Lord. He gave me my life back, He restored my light. It was amazing to hear my husband’s sense of relief in his voice when I finally let go of all the negative emotions and placed it in the hands of God.

That night when we got home I looked up at the sky as the sun was starting to set; such extraordinary mix of pink and blue. It was not only beautiful to see but to feel. Finally I could see the beauty in the world again. I could see the light after emerging from a dark place.

<3 JT

Emotionally Transparent

Today was my first official day back at work and true to a Monday we were super busy. The phone was ringing off the hook, clients were constantly coming and going, files kept piling up, questions needed answering, appointments needed scheduling….oh boy my head is still spinning. I have been dreading this day for weeks now. How was I supposed to conceal my inner pain? How was I supposed to go to work and face everything pregnancy related? (Which  is kind of hard to avoid when you are a counselor at a pregnancy center.)

The hustle and bustle of the day left little time to think, I am thankful for that. Yet the moment always comes when you get home to the silence and in the silence you think. You wonder. You question. You start to feel everything you have held in the whole day.

For me I felt anger and sadness; Anger towards the countless clients coming in pregnant and wanting it to end. What I wouldn’t give to have kept my baby. And sadness for my broken heart that aches with every beat.  I wanted to break something and fall to my knees all at the same time.

But I am too emotionally exhausted to do anything, even cry.

The anger is also fueled by this constant pressure from people telling what they think I need or what is best for me right now. Go back to normal life again you say? Yeah I’d love to if I even knew what that was. Jump back into the swing of things? That would be great if I had the energy to focus and the motivation to get out of bed. In the past month I’ve been offered advice, listened to numerous stories of loss, and heard time and time again that this is God’s plan.

Yeah not helpful…I have found myself consoling others in their pain and saying I’m sorry for your loss more than I have received. I am not usually a selfish person, quite the contrary actually. I am so concerned with everyone’s feelings and well-being over my own all the time; Always going out of my way for others (a nifty little characteristic from my mother), but I feel like it is rarely returned. For once I am going to be concerned about myself and how I feel and right now it is not good. So here are some of my thoughts about how I feel:

 If sitting around all day in pajamas makes me feel better then let me be.

If your advice exceeds “I’m sorry” or “I’m praying you” don’t send it.

If I grieve the rest of my life that is my choice and I have a right to do so.

If I talk about my baby or call myself a mother, just smile. I don’t need to hear your logic ‘that technically you aren’t or it wasn’t….’

If I get angry (which I do) let me be.

If I cry hug me.

If I share with you just listen. That is all, just listen.

If nothing else please do not compare it to your sister’s daughter’s friend’s mother who went through the exact same thing. I don’t care how common or how often this is, it is happening to me in this moment please be here with me.

In short, this is my life now: unpredictable, overwhelming, confusing. I can't help but be transparent with my emotions. So you are either in this journey WITH me or not in it at all. I don’t have the time, energy or patience to coddle everyone right now. I have bigger issues to handle…

 <3 JT

Reality

            How thankful I am for the week I spent in the Bahamas with my husband. Everything was so carefree, so beautiful and fresh. It was just what we needed after the year we’ve had. For the first time in a long time I felt like I could let out a sigh of relief; all the problems were left back home along with the bad memories of all that has happened. I had escaped reality, at least for the moment.

            I was able to let go of everything. I was free to smile and laugh again, things I thought I had lost the ability to do. I thought I had convinced myself that I was better, I was moving on.  One of the best parts was connecting and rediscovering the depths of my husband and my love for each other. It is incredible what stress and horrendous life events can do to a relationship.

            But now I’m home again with all the memories and all the ‘come have beens.’ I try to distract myself from such thoughts, but it isn’t so simple sometimes. It is just so painful to see everyone going on with their lives. People getting pregnant, having babies, being happy….it hurts me.

            Over the last few weeks I have misinterpreted my bitterness for strength. I tricked myself into believing that my tears were weakness and anger would conceal my sadness. The anger makes me feel like I am in control of my emotions, but in actuality, the bitterness is what is in control of me. I feel myself shutting down, shutting people out. I realize that I am still grieving and until today I have been depriving myself of doing so. Even though it was 3 weeks ago, I still strongly feel the sense of loss. A feeling I am not sure that I will ever stop having.

            Yet I know in my heart that things will get better and brighter days are just on the horizon. As cliché as it sounds, I am merely taking it one day at a time; and some are just a bigger challenge than others.  Reality is not as fun as the Bahamas.