To have loved and lost...

“It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.”

I have been thinking long and hard about this statement today. Though I am grateful for the time I did spend with our child, no matter how briefly it was, I am still left feeling empty and questioning everything. But do I regret getting pregnant with Baby Talcott? Absolutely not. My heart aches for the day I get to meet our baby yet I wouldn’t take those 6 weeks back for anything or the painful weeks and months that have followed. I still don’t understand why this happened, maybe I never will.

It has been especially difficult lately as I’ve planned my sister’s baby shower. I can’t get the thought out of my head that this should have been me. I am eager to be an aunt again but it is a constant trigger of what I could be experiencing, what I’ve lost, what I am missing out on. I am trying so hard not to be needy but I wish for once someone would just ask, ‘how are you?’ or ‘how are you coping with all this?’

*sigh*

But sadly I am still greeted with the wall of silence. I understand that this isn’t a pleasant thing to discuss but I want nothing more than for people to acknowledge our loss, our baby. Such a tragic event is already isolating enough and is only made worse by the way others isolate you or avoid the topic. I truly believe people are tired of hearing about it. If that is the case then defriend me or don’t follow my blog because I will never stop talking about Baby T. This isn’t some scraped knee that will heal over time…no this cuts much deeper than that and not even time will completely heal this pain.

I guess in summary it is better to have loved and lost then to never have experienced that love at all, but it sure doesn’t make it any easier…

<3 JT

Strength: In all its forms

Strength. Literally defined as the quality or state of being strong, vigor. I have worked extremely hard at becoming mentally strong again after losing our baby. Some days bring more progress than others. Tonight I wanted to just cry. I missed our sweet jellybean so much and I missed my husband, who has to be so inconveniently gone right now. But even as my mental and emotional state become stronger and gain vigor again, I realize that I have lost physical strength as well.

Before our baby came into this world and inevitably left just as quickly, I had been working out on a fairly regular basis. I was running faster than I have in years and I was proud to see the beginning of defined abs. I never felt so confident in my body and in myself. But after the miscarriage, as the doctor recommended, I could not work out for 6 weeks. The emotional stress led me to eat more comfort food than I’d like to confess to eating and put a little cushion on my once abs. Tonight when I found myself feeling sorry for myself and crying over all the emotional pain I decided to start my routine again. My body punished me for the absence of exercise with pain and cracks but it lessened the pain in my heart and took my mind to a more peaceful place. It feels good to get back into my routine and I pray it helps me sleep better at night too. As I strive to get my mind back into a state of being strong, I also want to regain my physical strength. Someday I’ll see those abs again…

<3 JT

Light in the Dark

            After my outburst on Monday that erupted from my emotions being on pure overdrive, I woke up the next day feeling just as bitter. I grumbled as I rolled out bed and started my day. I rushed through my routine when I noticed that I woke up late, which added to my frustration. Finally I was in the shower, where I completely lost it. After washing and shaving through the tears I sat on the bed and wept; I wept harder than I had in weeks. I yelled out, “Why God?! I don’t understand! I can’t handle the pain anymore.” And then I admitted something I had been holding in for the past month, “I am so mad at You!”

There it was. I was mad at God. Of course He knew that all along but I couldn’t bring myself to say the words to Him. Instead I held it in and let it cause me to become bitter. I didn’t lose my faith but it certainly had been shaken. That Tuesday morning I finally had a candid conversation with God. I confessed my anger, hardened heart and ungratefulness. I truly learned how unconditional God’s love is and how unfailing His grace is for me. In that moment I finally felt something I so desperately longed for, I felt peace.

My attitude had completely shifted from depressed and cold back to happy and compassionate. Just the previous day I talked to my mom on the phone, she mentioned that I didn’t sound like myself. She could hear it in my voice and I could hear her concern. I didn’t want people to worry about me but she and my husband made it clear that they had been uneasy about my well-being for a while. They were right though, I was quickly slipping into a dark place. I had become dormant in my faith, my relationships and my life. It was no secret that I was depressed, emotionally sad, but it had become more than that. I no longer enjoyed the things I use to find happiness in, simple tasks absolutely overwhelmed me, the dishes piled up, the laundry sat untouched, I bickered with my husband over insignificant things…I lost my heart, my ability to care and my ability to love.

One of my favorite songs by King and Country, “Proof of Your Love,” really hit home to me:

“If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.”

I was merely going through the motions of the day but there was no love behind it. How am I supposed to be an example of Christ’s love when my heart was so hard? On Tuesday God softened my heart again. He took the burden that was crushing me and put it on His own shoulders.  “For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:30

The past month has been unbearable at times but I made it worse my blaming everyone and everything for the way I felt but myself.

I blamed my circumstances.

I blamed losing my baby.

I blamed people for their insensitive remarks.

I blamed the world for going on while mine was falling apart.

But in the end it was up to ME to change MY attitude and I couldn’t have done it without the help of my Lord. He gave me my life back, He restored my light. It was amazing to hear my husband’s sense of relief in his voice when I finally let go of all the negative emotions and placed it in the hands of God.

That night when we got home I looked up at the sky as the sun was starting to set; such extraordinary mix of pink and blue. It was not only beautiful to see but to feel. Finally I could see the beauty in the world again. I could see the light after emerging from a dark place.

<3 JT

Emotionally Transparent

Today was my first official day back at work and true to a Monday we were super busy. The phone was ringing off the hook, clients were constantly coming and going, files kept piling up, questions needed answering, appointments needed scheduling….oh boy my head is still spinning. I have been dreading this day for weeks now. How was I supposed to conceal my inner pain? How was I supposed to go to work and face everything pregnancy related? (Which  is kind of hard to avoid when you are a counselor at a pregnancy center.)

The hustle and bustle of the day left little time to think, I am thankful for that. Yet the moment always comes when you get home to the silence and in the silence you think. You wonder. You question. You start to feel everything you have held in the whole day.

For me I felt anger and sadness; Anger towards the countless clients coming in pregnant and wanting it to end. What I wouldn’t give to have kept my baby. And sadness for my broken heart that aches with every beat.  I wanted to break something and fall to my knees all at the same time.

But I am too emotionally exhausted to do anything, even cry.

The anger is also fueled by this constant pressure from people telling what they think I need or what is best for me right now. Go back to normal life again you say? Yeah I’d love to if I even knew what that was. Jump back into the swing of things? That would be great if I had the energy to focus and the motivation to get out of bed. In the past month I’ve been offered advice, listened to numerous stories of loss, and heard time and time again that this is God’s plan.

Yeah not helpful…I have found myself consoling others in their pain and saying I’m sorry for your loss more than I have received. I am not usually a selfish person, quite the contrary actually. I am so concerned with everyone’s feelings and well-being over my own all the time; Always going out of my way for others (a nifty little characteristic from my mother), but I feel like it is rarely returned. For once I am going to be concerned about myself and how I feel and right now it is not good. So here are some of my thoughts about how I feel:

 If sitting around all day in pajamas makes me feel better then let me be.

If your advice exceeds “I’m sorry” or “I’m praying you” don’t send it.

If I grieve the rest of my life that is my choice and I have a right to do so.

If I talk about my baby or call myself a mother, just smile. I don’t need to hear your logic ‘that technically you aren’t or it wasn’t….’

If I get angry (which I do) let me be.

If I cry hug me.

If I share with you just listen. That is all, just listen.

If nothing else please do not compare it to your sister’s daughter’s friend’s mother who went through the exact same thing. I don’t care how common or how often this is, it is happening to me in this moment please be here with me.

In short, this is my life now: unpredictable, overwhelming, confusing. I can't help but be transparent with my emotions. So you are either in this journey WITH me or not in it at all. I don’t have the time, energy or patience to coddle everyone right now. I have bigger issues to handle…

 <3 JT

Reality

            How thankful I am for the week I spent in the Bahamas with my husband. Everything was so carefree, so beautiful and fresh. It was just what we needed after the year we’ve had. For the first time in a long time I felt like I could let out a sigh of relief; all the problems were left back home along with the bad memories of all that has happened. I had escaped reality, at least for the moment.

            I was able to let go of everything. I was free to smile and laugh again, things I thought I had lost the ability to do. I thought I had convinced myself that I was better, I was moving on.  One of the best parts was connecting and rediscovering the depths of my husband and my love for each other. It is incredible what stress and horrendous life events can do to a relationship.

            But now I’m home again with all the memories and all the ‘come have beens.’ I try to distract myself from such thoughts, but it isn’t so simple sometimes. It is just so painful to see everyone going on with their lives. People getting pregnant, having babies, being happy….it hurts me.

            Over the last few weeks I have misinterpreted my bitterness for strength. I tricked myself into believing that my tears were weakness and anger would conceal my sadness. The anger makes me feel like I am in control of my emotions, but in actuality, the bitterness is what is in control of me. I feel myself shutting down, shutting people out. I realize that I am still grieving and until today I have been depriving myself of doing so. Even though it was 3 weeks ago, I still strongly feel the sense of loss. A feeling I am not sure that I will ever stop having.

            Yet I know in my heart that things will get better and brighter days are just on the horizon. As cliché as it sounds, I am merely taking it one day at a time; and some are just a bigger challenge than others.  Reality is not as fun as the Bahamas.

The Stages of Grief

They say there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. For the past few days I have been stuck in depression. The overwhelming sadness of what could have been, what we’ve lost. But today I woke up to a new stage: anger.

To say that I am pissed off would be an understatement. It reminds of a quote of one of my favorite Tyler Perry movies, “I’m not bitter, I’m mad as hell!”

                                                                          

I’m angry that this happened…

I’m angry that I don’t get to feel the joy so many others do…

I’m angry at all those who are still carrying their babies…

I’m angry that nobody has the right words to say to take away this pain…

I am just filled with so much anger. I want to scream, slam doors and run away from everyone and everything. I just want to shut out the world.

I’m not looking for an explanation or a justification; I’m looking to feel normal again.

Please don’t infer my anger for ungratefulness. I am truly blessed by all the support we have received. This is just another step in the journey. A journey I wasn’t planning to take. In a way the anger makes me feel human, that I am capable of feeling more than just sadness. This passage from a psychology article on grief sums it up perfectly:

“Underneath anger is pain, your pain. It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned, but we live in a society that fears anger. Anger is strength and it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss.”

I want to thank those who have struck it through with me so far despite the mood swings, late nights of crying, and everything else. My family and husband has been the rock I can lean on when it all seems to be crashing down. And most of all where would I be without my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? He promises “to never leave us nor forsake us.” My Bible has not left my side this entire time. I find comfort in His words:

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”

John 14:27

Through the tears and even the anger, I know He is in control and “all things work together for good.” I encourage you, if you don’t know the Lord as your Savior please allow me to share with you. Feel free to reach out to me via email or Facebook.

<3 JT

Letter to Heaven

My dearest jellybean,

            Words cannot even describe how much I miss you. When you left this world you took a part of my heart and soul with you. Though your life only lasted 6 weeks, that is all it took for me to fall completely in love with you. I am so glad you are in heaven with our Lord. You truly deserve perfection and now I know you will never have anything less

            I want you to know how much your Daddy and I love you, how much we wish that you could have stayed here with us. But God had greater plans for you. I like to think that you are just too precious for this earth. We prayed so hard for you for months, the whole time your Daddy was away at war. I’ll tell you what though, you are the luckiest little angel to have the Daddy that you do. I wish you could have met him. He takes such good care of your Mommy and never doubt the love he has for you. He misses you as much as I do. You would be so proud of the man he is, how he protects our country. I trust that you will keep an eye out for him from up there.

            You have a wonderful family down here. Your grandparents would have spoiled you rotten! And I know your aunts and uncles would just adore you. Plus you would have had plenty of cousins to play with. But I’m sure you are having fun up there with all the other angel babies. I have a lot of friends that have angels too, say hello to them for their parents and me.

            Jellybean I just want you to know that we will never forget you. If God blesses us with your little brother or sister I promise that they will know about you and how special you are to us. You will forever be my angel baby. We love you so very much!!

Love,

Mommy

We hold you in our hearts